In Too Deep?

One of my favourite images is the River of Life flowing from the Temple described in Ezekiel 47.

In a vision, the seer is shown the River getting progressively deeper: from ankle deep, to knee deep, to waist deep, to a River so deep no one could cross it.

There would seem to be a range of ways we can respond when we are offered the River of Life.

For some, we just want to paddle our toes in, get them a little wet, but come and go as we please.

Others might start to go in a little deeper, to explore and experience the River in a way that impacts a little more, but where we can still get out again if and when we want to.

However, there is also a place where we can jump right in, where the water is completely over our heads, where we "sink or swim", and maybe even allow the current to take us where it will.

Ever since I first "saw" it, this place of being in over my head has held a real attraction. The idea of giving myself over to God to the point of allowing Him to direct me and just "go with the flow" carried both excitement and caution in varying quantities. It presented a question:

Do I trust God enough to just jump in, no return?

While we might get used to the idea of being in deep, and even enjoy it, another question arises. It's all very well to enjoy floating down a slow moving, gentle river, but what happens when we hit the rapids, when there are submerged rocks or even looks to be a waterfall up ahead? Are we still happy to be in so deep, or do we start looking for a toe hold, or even try to get out?

Looking back at a period of my life where I felt as though I was in a whirlpool, rapidly being sucked under, I asked God where He was at that time. Although I had felt that I had been holding on to God through it, I had struggled to feel His presence or guidance in that place.

I was given a picture of a parent taking their child swimming. As the child is encouraged to "lie back, relax and float", some children go into panic and clutch their parent as though they are about to be drowned. Parents know they would never let go of their child, or leave them ,but the child doesn't understand this. They allow fear to overwhelm them.

God showed me that I had been like that child. At that time, I was clutching on to my Father, but I didn't really trust Him. I didn't have faith that He would not let me drown, even though I had experienced His goodness many times before. Rather than accepting that I was in the water, (that this was my life), I wanted Him to take me out of the River. I wanted Him to fix the problems and make the pain go away, rather than trusting Him to carry me through.

Although that experience is now far in the past, I have come to realise that at every new set of circumstances the question is asked again at a new and deeper level:

Do you trust Me?

When it seems as though nothing you do (praying, speaking, loving) is bringing about change, can you let go and trust Me, come what may?

I am coming to see that every time I feel as though I am in that deep River, and that it is far from friendly, that it is trying to drown me, my Father says, "Do you trust Me"? 

And I have to answer yes and let go. Again.

Are You a Squanderer?

Have you ever got one of those emails telling you there is a huge inheritance waiting for you?

You know, the one that tells you that some person with the same surname as you has died, and because there are no living relatives to claim the estate, you can claim it yourself. 

All you need to do is send me few thousand dollars, and I will start the legal process to make a claim on your behalf.

Yep, sure thing!

I guess this sort of thing must work at least sometimes. Perhaps it taps into the hope many of us have: maybe someone, (not too close to me so I don't have to grieve too much) will fall off the perch and will leave me a fortune that will answer all my money woes and let me live in the lap of luxury.

There have been a number of times I have actually been on the receiving end of a financial inheritance, though.

The most interesting one would have to be from my great-aunt, who died when I was still a baby. She left a small amount of money to all her female relatives - she had no children of her own. This was held in trust until I was twenty-one, or could be used at my parent's discretion. The stipulation was that it was to be used to enable me, as a woman, to do or achieve something I otherwise could not. 

For my great-aunt, the inheritance was not just about the money. Growing up in the early 1900's she was fortunate to have a father who believed that girls should be educated just as much as boys. All his daughters went to university, and my great-aunt followed her father's footsteps, becoming a doctor. In fact, she was one of the first women doctors in Adelaide.

It wasn't until recently that I realised another aspect of this legacy. I had always taken it for granted that I was given the same opportunity in education as my brothers. The fact that my father expected me to study sciences and maths (as he did my brothers - the only subjects worth learning!), was harder to appreciate, though!

My father died well over ten years ago now, but I well remember his funeral. It was a very difficult day as our relationship with him had been strained. However, I felt that I wanted to honour my father anyway. Looking back, there were so many aspects of our family life that were part of our inheritance from him.

These ranged from a sense of adventure to the way we were expected to treat others and behave, and even to our Christian faith. Among many others, they were all values he planted in his family.

There is a story Jesus told about inheritance that many are aware of.  We call it the parable of the Prodigal Son. The various aspects of this parable have been explored unendingly, but here are a few pertinent thoughts.

The most obvious is about the young son.

In asking for his inheritance, he was basically wishing his dad was dead. He saw no value in his relationship with his father past the money. When he got it, the Storyteller says, he went off and squandered his inheritance on wild living. 

In the end, he really didn't even value the money.

When he returns to his father, we are given a glimpse of his older brother.

This older brother was pretty upset with the father's lavish acceptance of the squanderer. However, I don't think he really understood what his inheritance was either. He accuses his father of not giving him anything, while spoiling his brother. However, his father reminds him that he was able to enjoy everything the father had as his own, at any time.

This topic of inheritance is addressed many other times throughout the Bible. One of my favourites is the promise of our inheritance through Jesus. It includes being able to see clearly, healing of our bodies and souls, and probably my favourite: our freedom. In other places, we are told we inherit the Kingdom of God, which is all these things and more.

Can we be guilty of squandering our inheritance?

Do we, like the younger son, fail to truly value the healing and freedom that has been given to us? Do we waste God's provision for us on self-indulgence and self-gratification?

Or like the older son, are we failing to even realise or connect with the fact that healing, freedom and provision are already ours? Have we failed to access our birthright? 

What is it you value most in your inheritance?

It's about to explode!

Spring is on its way!

Yes, dull, dreary, drizzly days may suggest otherwise, but the inevitable pull of life force tells another story. 

You can virtually feel the buzz of the energy of burgeoning life pulsating the air. Like a racehorse waiting at the gate, itching to burst forth, Spring is coming! 

Blossoms bursting forth on magnolias, rhododendrons, camellias and daffodils call out the news. Spring is coming!

Oh yes, the trees still hold their bare, dead limbs towards the heavens, pleading for sunshine, pleading for warmth, but their fingertips are showing signs of life as the first tips of green appear.

Spring is coming!

Approaching the end of a season of winter, it is easy to feel that this season will never end, that change and renewal are not possible, that it is all too hard. The idea that it is always darkest before the dawn doesn't seem to hold hope, but despair. Will this never end?

But I feel promise in the air. A change is coming, a big change.  A promise of fruitfulness, of newness, and not just a little bit, not just a regular amount. I hear the clarion call - get ready! Are you ready for all that this Spring will bring? For the inevitable harvest that comes from an abundance of nourishment and refreshing rain from heaven? 

The One who loves us is calling to us: come join Me, come join the fun! An abundance of new life is about to burst forth. Come revel in it with Me!

See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland. (Isa 43:19)

A Thousand Little Griefs

Until recently, we had two cats.

Both were in their late teens.

One was always a wanderer. However, having not seen her for a few months now, we are pretty sure this time its for good.

The other was a homebody, and we watched her become more and more frail in the last weeks. Sometimes we had to check twice to see if she was still breathing. Her bodily functions were becoming unreliable and to pick her up felt like she would break. And then one day she went out and didn't come back.

It took me a couple weeks to be ready to clean up their food bowls. Well, I have moved them to the laundry, anyway.

Last week, I had a further loss. We finally made the hard decision to end our English classes for refugees and asylum seekers. I had been involved there for the past two years, but due to dwindling numbers of students and teachers, it was time to bite the bullet.

Travelling home, as I reflected on my feelings about this change, I realised that there had actually been many little griefs along that journey.

Working with people who are somewhat itinerant, we would sometimes have them in class for months and then they would simply not turn up. Sometimes they would come back for a while, and then other times, nothing. Sometimes other students would say, oh, yes, they have gone to Adelaide, or Sydney and so on. Other times we just didn't know. They may even have been sent back to their country of origin to face further persecution, or even death.

When previous students did drop by, our joy was great. As much as we hoped to have added into their lives, they certainly enriched our lives, with their care and acceptance of us, despite their own pains. For people who had been through so much, they always asked after us and our families, even though they were often separated from their own. They are mostly generous, caring people, the sort you would love to share your life with.

Reflecting on these little changes, I wonder how we should deal with the small griefs that drop in from time to time.

There was a point where the cat was really struggling with her continence, and as I perceived her imminent demise, I was really upset. However, since both have disappeared, I have not felt that same level of grief or loss. There is perhaps a belief that they might still come back, a denial that they are gone. So it is easier not to think about it, to just keep going.

How many of these little griefs do we all experience day in day out? Our ability to minimise and deny them means that we can continue to function. However,

is there a point we hit a critical mass, where all those little griefs add up to equal one big one that comes back to bite us?

There is a level at which the pressing needs of day to day living do not allow time to grieve these losses. And part of me is still far too rational - what is the point? Will crying and being upset change the outcome? So I move on, carrying a little more baggage than I probably need to, hoping the weight won't overwhelm me.

Yet.

Don't fence me in!

"I'm eighteen! I can do what I like!"

As a parent, I know I am not alone in being confronted with this statement. And I do acknowledge that the push toward 'freedom' from parental boundaries is a natural part of maturing. However, it is far from clear which boundaries should be relaxed and when this is appropriate, not to mention the fact that there are parents who feel powerless to stop their eighteen year old doing what they like.

The push to break free of society’s inhibitions and expectations has grown since the 60's and 70's. However, rather than finding freedom from a few constraints, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme, where anything goes. The rights of the individual are paramount and 'it is my right to do what I feel like' is voiced more and more stridently.

In all the fight for the freedom to be who I want to be, to do what I want to do, though, I can't help but wonder if we haven't lost something vital. I start to question what the true cost of our 'freedom' may be.

An example of this issue was raised recently on a program titled "Australia on Drugs". The topic of the legalisation of drugs was front and centre again. While such a plan may indeed remove some of the criminal elements, does one person's 'right' to be free to use whatever substances they choose not come with the total responsibility of the cost this may incur to society? 

However, this is only one aspect of the issue as I see it. We live in a society generally satiated with every 'good' thing. Lack is mostly a perception rather than a reality, and I believe that this also brings its own problems. 

You don't have to read or watch much news to get the impression that our society seems less and less safe, either physically or emotionally. When I read about some of the sexual activity that is being promoted as normal, including the pervasive use of pornography, when I hear the responses of hate toward any who would try to curb or rein in certain behaviours, it seems that the boundaries have not only been broken through, but are in the process of being dismantled and destroyed as permanently as possible.

On the flip side, though, the rate of suicide, self-harm, depression and anxiety are increasing at alarming rates among our young. If what is on offer in terms of 'freedom' is so liberating and wonderful, and they have every 'good thing' at their fingertips, why are they so unhappy?

An insight presented by Walter Brueggemann in The Prophetic Imagination suggests that 

a society that is satiated with all that is good actually becomes numb.

I read this as the lack of struggles and difficulties resulting in an inability to actually feel the enjoyment of all that is good. When we are no longer grateful for the good in our lives, and we simply take it as our entitlement, that good ceases to provide any positive impact. We then live from a place where everything is simply “meh”.

This makes sense to me in terms of depression and self-harm. Being depressed is often associated with feeling numb, and those involved in self-harm perhaps just want to feel something, anything.

With no boundaries and no direction because anything (and subsequently, nothing) will do, many of our children are left with too many options. They lack the maturity, self-awareness, self-discipline and foresight to make decisions, so end up making none. From this point, they can easily be led by either the dominant voices around them, or their need for acceptance and belonging. 

For me, an illustration of our dogs is helpful. Although I love to see them running free, where they can revel in the freedom to roam and smell and explore, it is only within the boundaries created with them (like staying near me, or responding to my call) that they are secure in that space. 

However, there is also a great difference between how they respond to me and how they respond to my daughter.

Because she plays with them, rolls around on the floor with them, and allows them to do things not generally tolerated, they are far less responsive to her discipline. Part of this is because they are confused about what is acceptable and what is not.

They don’t know what the boundaries are because the boundaries keep changing.

The confusion of our dogs is replicated in much of our society. Because there are less and less generally accepted boundaries, there is confusion and loss of direction. There is also an absence of any clear reference point.  While we continue to embrace this “freedom” as a society, we will continue to reap more of the same results for our kids.

Fences are important to stop us getting lost!

Bondage: What's your style?

When was the last time you engaged with a little bondage?

Personally, I really value my freedom. I live in a culture that would appear to value freedom, particularly the freedom of the individual, above almost everything else. The freedom to carry a gun, the freedom to marry whom I choose and freedom of speech are just a few that pop easily to mind. And watch the public outcry if a ‘civil liberty’ is even perceived as being curtailed.

How is it then, with all our appetite for freedom, that we can find ourselves in bondage?

As I engaged in my own little bondage routine at the gym recently, (not to the treadmill, but those other pesky machines), I became aware of Taylor Swift’s song “Mean” playing in the background:

“You have pointed out my flaws again.
As if I don't already see them. 
I walk with my head down, 
Trying to block you out, ‘cause I'll never impress you…
Someday, I'll be, living in a big ol' city, 
And all you're ever gonna be is mean…”

The lament conveyed here is not new to many of us, and is possibly why the song is so popular. The cry for vindication, for justice and for freedom from the opinions (real or perceived) of others is one that many of us can relate to. 

“One day I am going to show you just how wrong you were about me!”

Unfortunately, though, instead of being set free by “showing” others their error we are actually held in bondage by this desire for exoneration. If my goal is to prove anything to anyone else, I will always be bound by my need for validation from them.

And so, in all our desire for freedom, we can actually live in so many bondages. Bondage to the opinions, desires and expectations of others; bondage to acquiring the next gadget, refurb, experience, holiday; bondage to creating or maintaining an image that we believe will make us acceptable to or belong with others; bondage to the ladder of success in our career and relationships.

In my experience, the desire for acceptance manifested itself in me as an extreme difficulty in saying ‘no’ to others. Even when I didn’t want to say yes, I would find myself agreeing to something and then feeling trapped. I had constant battles with rehashing conversations and situations, beating myself up for a variety of failings I perceived in myself.

However, this is only one illustration of a variety of bondages I found myself in trying to get my needs for value, acceptance and belonging met. I also tied myself in knots trying NOT to need value, acceptance and belonging from anyone. I lived in a vicious cycle of trying to maintain feeling good about myself and failing dismally.

 So what does true freedom look like? And how do we live in it?

As long as we look to others, to material goods or to achievement to meet our deeper needs of acceptance, value or belonging we will continue to live in the cycle of unmet need. Although some of these work for short periods, like the proverbial addict, we keep coming back for the next and bigger fix.

While it is true that just like food, there are areas of our lives where we do need fairly consistent input, what we put in has a great impact on the output. When we use things that were never meant to bring fulfilment or value to our lives, it is like only ever eating junk food. We are left feeling empty and dissatisfied.

Christianity: Powerless, Small and a Little too Sanitised

As we sat in our Good Friday service this morning, I found my eyes drawn to the wooden cross that is placed on the platform at Easter. Quite unexpectedly, I found myself wondering at its dimensions.It suddenly seemed small and a little too sanitised. I found myself wanting it to be made of heavy cross beams, rough cut and less regular, rather than two pieces of neat, clean 6 by 4.

Do we sanitise our faith?

It made me wonder: Do we sanitise our faith? Do we reduce it to meet our experience? We have been disappointed before, so we don’t want to expect too much. Yes, we are happy to hope for eternal life when we die, but we’re not looking for or anticipating much, here...now...today.

A verse that has been prominent in my thoughts the last week or so is from Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” I have been reading Dutch Sheets' book “The Power of Hope”, where he discusses the results of living in a place where we feel as though hope has been deferred too long, too often, which include loss of faith and courage. We stop believing for big things, and the things that seem big in our lives grow bigger again, with a life of their own, becoming bigger than God Himself in our perception.

One of the songs we sang this morning is “The Power of the Cross”. At Easter, we celebrate that Jesus overcame the power of death, and yet, we struggle to believe that we, through Him, can overcome the power of our limitations, struggles and sin here and now. It is easier to live small and defeated lives, because, underneath, we believe the adage, “Blessed is he who expecteth nothing, for he shall not be disappointed”.

But this was not what Jesus promised; this is not what He came for, and certainly not what He died for.

When Jesus said that He had come to bring life that we might have it to the fullest, when He said that He had come to give the blind sight, to make the lame walk, to set the captives free, this was far more than just physical (although that would blow most of us away). He came so that we could see the reality of what it means to be sons and daughters of the Most High God, that we could walk, leap and run without being weighed down by our experiences of the past, and that we could live the free and abundant life of knowing we are loved unconditionally, that there is nothing more we have to do.

I don't want a faith that lacks power, and I don't want it for those around me, either.

If we are serious about wanting to make a difference in this world, we cannot afford to continue to accept mediocre, wishy-washy, ‘expect little’ faith. If we are serious about wanting to make a difference in this world, it is time we get things back in proportion, back to the size they should be. 

If the cross (and I mean all that the cross signifies) is central to our faith, then we need to make it real and make it big in all its power and force and beautiful ugliness. It has to match with the reality that death was the last obstacle Jesus overcame to give us abundant life here and now. 

Are you prepared to come to that place where you get real, get down and dirty, and lay it all on the line with God? 

Because it is here, and only here that transformation begins and it is only from here that we connect with the power to transform the world.

For God So Judged the World

What is it about judgement and condemnation that makes them useful tools to bring about positive change? 

Or if they are not, why do so many feel the need to pour them out on the heads of others?

Personally, I have struggled for a number of years as I have read the judgements meted out by many a Christian online about other people; be they other Christians, those of other faiths, or even atheists. I fail to understand how these sorts of evaluations and attitudes marry with the rest of Jesus’ teachings. Even though He mostly ministered to those of His own faith group, He rarely stood in judgement, and then, really only over those who were busy expounding on how much better they were than everyone else.

As I read through the Gospels, the recurring theme I see is one of love, compassion and mercy. I know that I am far from alone when I suggest that if, as Christians, we acted with love, compassion and mercy, if we offered up grace, as it was given to us,we would be a whole lot more attractive to most people on this planet.

So why don’t we?

From my own experience, as I have wondered at times about my desire to speak judgement over others, whether in my heart or to another, I realise that it is mostly about my own sense of inferiority or lack. Usually, it has been about a desire to knock someone down a peg or two because I have felt they have done that to me and/or others. There has been a sense of trying to vindicate or even avenge myself.

Over time, I have gotten better at recognising and dealing with my own insecurities through more productive means than criticism and judgement – let’s face it, we usually don’t really feel better when we drag someone else down with us, anyway! There are a couple of things that stand out.

The first is that no one can make you feel “less than” unless you give them permission.

Why do we give them permission? Usually, it is simply the assessment we have already made of ourselves rising up in agreement with what we are perceiving, even though it might be subconscious. Closely related to this is the issue of fear. We are afraid we don't match up. We are afraid of being found out as a fraud. We are afraid we really are not good enough. We are afraid we are not loveable.

And while there may be a number of ways in which we can get our needs for feeling worthwhile, valued and loveable met, I firmly believe that if other people are our primary source of this, we will always be in danger of reverting back to that place of “less than” and judgement. There will always be times where they “fail” to give as we think we “need”, or our own brokenness means we fail to receive.

In my own journey, I have found the best, most secure and consistent place to find my worth and value has been out of my relationship with God. It is a place I can go back to at any time and get a refill, knowing that He is constant and consistent in His kindness and love for starters. And on those occasions I still feel that prickle of insecurity, a great question to ask Him is to remind me how He feels about me, how He sees me. This leads to the second point. 

We can’t give what we haven’t received. 

And maybe this is why many of us as Christians feel the need to give out judgement. Because this is what we have believed we deserve and receive from God. If we have a sense at any level that all God has for us is judgement, then we will inevitably pass that on to others.

Perhaps another “favourite” verse has been, “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”. We focus way more on our sinfulness than God’s grace and mercy, and so we fail to receive His grace, His mercy and even His love. Yes, we can give intellectual assent to His love for us, and even quote a multitude of verses about it, but do we know how to receive it, and do we continue to receive it regularly?

And while I would also agree that we need to come to a place of recognising that we often don’t meet the mark, we must be very careful that this is not about condemnation, but about realising that we can’t do it on our own; that  God is so “for us”, and wants to make up the difference, wants to pour Himself into us, so that we can do “all things” – especially to extend that love, compassion, mercy and grace to a world that is in desperate need of as much as it can get.

"For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."  Luke 6:45

Rest on the Run

We went to see the third Hobbit movie the other night. What a marathon! About two hours into a movie that lasts just shy of two and half hours, I whispered to my husband, "I'm exhausted!" Without really needing to give a spoiler alert, possibly two hours of the movie is devoted to battle scenes. Toward the end of course (and this is a spoiler alert if you couldn't see it coming), just when you think all is sure to be lost and the few that are left have no more energy, the eagles swoop in and save what is left of the day, completely routing the enemy.

Something about this movie struck a chord with me, mainly because I have felt like I am in an ongoing battle on a number of fronts for most of the past year. I have been feeling exceptionally tired. At times I have wondered whether I can continue and sometimes I have wondered what I am even fighting for - does it even make a difference or is the outcome already decided? At the end of the movie, I found myself almost tearfully whispering, "God, send Your eagles, it is time for Your eagles. I need your eagles."

As I reflected on this over the next few days two things came to mind. The first was the words, "The battle belongs to the Lord". This well known verse comes from 1 Samuel 17:47, where David is proclaiming his victory against Goliath before it had happened. Although the context probably suggests this means the victory belongs to God, the perception I saw was that although I may have a role to play in the battle, it is not my battle; it is His. I don't have to take responsibility for the outcome.

The second part of my reflection was regarding how I can find rest and restoration in the midst of my battle-weary state. What does rest look like when you can't afford to let your guard down for a minute? 

I realised that the place of rest is in worship. Our battle song is one of worship of our great God. This reminds me of some of the Old Testament stories, where the people sang as they went to physical battle. As we worship, our eyes turn to God, and we see things from His perspective, particularly who God is and what He is about. This brings us hope and refreshing.

My end point on this reflection was the realisation that we actually have an opportunity to be the eagles. As I thought of verses about eagles in the Bible, I was immediately reminded of the promise from Isaiah 40:31

"they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint." 

It is not something that comes automatically, though. We cannot rouse this strength by our own acts or abilities. It comes from waiting on the Lord. Not just stopping, but waiting in expectation and hope that He will show up and show us the way forward. And I think we must wait as long as it takes, as opposed to getting impatient and going on in our own strength and ways.

Personally, I think I probably need to practice that sort of waiting bit a little more.